Proof of being a woman yeeeeah (Or Hermione gets a harem)
by blessbunny
Summary: Yo, what do you think of some those ridiculous shippings featuring Hermione? Do you think they're ridiculous? I do too. So I made this story! that makes fun of a lot of pairings. Though I do have two actual legit pairings if you're romantic and into that. Pick whichever you like as canon! (Or be ambitious and pick both, your choice.) Crack fic, Au, shipping-sort of, Parody


**Note about format:**

Blah blah blah **- Story Narration**

"Blah Blah Blah" **- Regular dialogue**

'_Blah Blah Blah'_ **- Thought dialogue**

"**BLAH BLAH BLAH**" **- The powers of CAPSLOCK and bold combine to create super-shouting, far superior to normal shouting.**

**Enjoy the story!**

Hermione was off on one of her academical tangents. After a particularly interesting charms lesson on enchanted objects like magical mirrors, pensieves and other such trinkets she was suddenly feeling very interested in The Mirror of Erised.

'_A little academic studying won't hurt anyone_.', Hermione rationaled to herself as she entered the room of requirement. With new understanding she looked at the Mirror of Erised with admiration. '_I wonder how it works. Is the mirror a legilimens? Is it simply one of those all-knowing things like the sorting hat? Or is it merely some sort of enchanted reflection?_', Hermione wondered to herself. She stepped in front of the mirror. '_I know what I will probably see. An O on every subject in the school as I graduate and then I will be a successful... Wait, what do I want to do anyway? Magical relations spokesperson maybe? This bodes more thought..._', Hermione turned her eyes to her reflection and gasped.

Instead of the academical scene she had been expecting, what she saw was anything but! Malfoy, Ron, Harry, Cedric and Krum all fighting over her! What on earth?! They didn't even like her! ... Well except for Victor. And wasn't Cedric Diggory dead?! '_Is this really what I want the most in the whole world?_', Hermione thought to herself. '_Something so shallow so pointless and so absurd?_'

Then she thought about Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown and Cho Chang and Fleur Delacour. They never had to carry their books to any classes because boys would do that for them. Whereas Hermione carried more books than anyone all by herself. Her shoulders were aching and her posture was terrible. They never had to spend a single Knut on food, Boys would happily share with them. And in class boys would fight over who got to sit next to them. No one fought over Hermione. Hell, she ended up stuck in between Ron and Harry most of the time. And despite her single status she never received anything for Valentine's Day. Except from Victor...but you know, he was Victor.

'_I don't need this, I deserve this! I'm just as much a girl as they are!_', Hermione thought angrily. She was tired of not being treated like a girl, of never being asked to dance (except for Victor), of being considered a bossy and boring bookworm. Ye gods that sounded like a description of Percy! She had to do something about this before her adolescence was over and finished for good before she ended up like Mcgonagall, teaching at Hogwarts without ever having a boyfriend ever! (Except Victor, sort of.)

"This ends today!", Hermione vowed.

***

In the Gryffindor dorm rooms Ron yawned and rolled over. "Harry, something's been bothering me lately...", he awkwardly trailed off.

"Yeah, what is it, Ron?", Harry asked, rolling over himself so that he could face Ron while talking.

"It's Hermione. Don't you think she... Well, she seems loads prettier lately, right?", Ron asked nervously.

Harry rubbed his eyes incredulously. "Are you crazy, mate? She looks like a sleep deprived zombie. She hardly sleeps, hardly eats and in class she cackles all the time."

"Yeah, strange how she became pretty so suddenly...", Ron sighed, not paying attention to his friend.

Harry looked at his friend in disbelief. He knew Ron had a thing for Hermione, but he must be pretty far gone if he considered her recent state attractive.

***

At this point in time, Hermione was in Moaning Myrtles' bathroom brewing up a potion and cackling maniacally to himself. Myrtle who had been pointedly ignoring her finally zoomed out in irritation at the noise.

"WILL YOU STOP LAUGHING LIKE A MAD WOMAN WHEN SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST TRYING TO... Good god...", she trailed off uncertainly, "you look worse than me!"

Hermione didn't answer but Myrtle swept forwards anyway and peeked inside the cauldron. "Whatcha cooking?", she asked.

"Potion to resurrect the dead. Hopefully it works..", Hermione answered, focusing intently on the cauldron.

"Ooooh who are you reviving?", Myrtle who had always loved gossip was now firmly perched behind Hermione's shoulder.

"Wait and see. Hahaha, it took me so long to get these. I had to dig up a bit of his grave and even go to his parents' house to steal possessions.", Hermione cackled maniacally to herself. Myrtle subtly backed away.

Fsh fzzzzrt! Bang!

A sound like an explosion erupted from the cauldron and the water in the cauldron abruptly started bubbling very fast. Hermione took what was in her hands and placed it in the cauldron, stirring seven times counterclockwise. Myrtle peered over her shoulder curiously but had to look away when a feeling of nausea hit. In the cauldron was a decomposing human hand!

Lightning flashed in Hermione's eyes and she pulled a flask of tears out from her robes and added that in to the mix. Finally she stirred, alternating directions every second stir to a total of sixteen times.

The cauldron bubbled up like it was frothing at the mouth. From the cauldron slowly a vague shape could be seen emerging from the bubbles. As the bubbles went down a bit and light hit the figure, it was revealed to be a very handsome and very naked teenage boy.

"Where am I? Myrtle's bathroom?!", the boy looked around in wonder. "Am I alive?"

Then he noticed how cold he felt and looked down at his broomstick.

"Uh, wait, why am I naked?"

"Here, Cedric.", Hermione tossed some Hufflepuff robes at him and he hurriedly dressed. They were slightly large.

"Okay, so now that I'm not naked would you please tell me who you are? Or why I'm not dead?", Cedric was feeling very confused.

"Yeeeeah, but get comfortable, it's a long story..."

***

"You revived me because you felt that Hufflepuff needed me to bolster their image?", Cedric asked incredulously.

"Yep. They lose all their Quidditch matches and really it's just sad. No one respects Hufflepuff anymore.", Hermione lied. Of course she couldn't tell him the real reason she had resurrected him, to boost her ego by falling in love with her. That would sound terribly shallow. Which, truthfully it was but whatever.

"Hermione dear, being a muggleborn and a Gryffindor, I'm not sure if you've noticed but Hufflepuff house has a bit of a history of not being respected.", Cedric retorted skeptically.

"Harry brought your body back so your parents would have it. He took more risk to do that and he still feels guilty about your death. You should go say hello to him tomorrow.", Hermione told him.

"Really? I always thought he'd had a wee bit of a problem with me.", Cedric admitted.

"Yep, right that's sorted so now I'm going to go to bed. I've been so absorbed in researching and preparing and inventing this potion I've hardly slept at all.", Hermione yawned and took off at a surprisingly fast pace, hair streaming behinds her.

Cedric got ready to return to his old dorms when suddenly he realised something.

"But I don't know the new password..."

***

Breakfast in The Great Hall the next day was most interesting. Three people glued themselves to Cedric Diggory, capturing the attention of the whole student body. Harry, who was trying to unsuccessfully suppress tears and ask Cedric if he was just a Technicolor ghost, Cho Chang who was sobbing loudly and making indecipherable noises that might have been words..., But with her head buried in the front of Cedric's robes, who could tell? And finally Dumbledore who was frantically trying to find out how Cedric had managed to be revived.

Of course at some point Hermione's name came up, as she knew it would, but she just ignored them and continued to eat her Blueberry pancakes contentedly. She knew that this would make her the center of attention but annoyingly enough, it was to a degree she did not expect. Even the teachers were frantically attempting to interrogate her. With this level of attention for at least two weeks her plan would be impossible. Hard to be sneaky and do sneaky things when everyone was staring at you after all.

***

Finally the day had come. Hermione had gotten up earlier than usual to make a plan.

'_Harry and Ron are easy since they sit right at Gryffindor table anyway._

Draco will be trickier but so worth it. When I undo the enchantment his face will be so funny!', Hermione cackled to herself.

'_Maybe I should add Blaise Zabini too. He's even more prejudiced than Malfoy; it would teach him a much needed lesson and have the bonus of being absolutely hilarious._

Then Cedric. Shouldn't be too hard, I'll just lie about giving him a body strength potion. He's still recovering from dying after all.

Hmm... Seems like I have someone from all the houses except Ravenclaw. I'll just add Anthony Goldstein to the list, he seems nice.

Victor is easy; I'll just directly mail him some handmade biscuits.

And then... I think that seems like too few. I've got handsome wizards, intelligent wizards, popular wizards, pureblood wizards and V. ... What I'm missing is someone really powerful. Hmmm, who's the most powerful wizard in the school? Well, yeah there is that but then again... Well it should be hilarious and it'll get him back for having been so annoying lately...", Hermione entered a flashback.

"Miss Granger, what you have done is incredible!", Dumbledore praised her.

"No, no, it's nothing.", Hermione tried to react in a humble manner.

"No really it is! Subverting life and death like that is incredible!", Dumbledore exclaimed.

"Oh really? Even if it is, I'm sure there are more refined and elegant solutions than mine out there. I'm only a student after all.", Hermione replied.

"No. Actually there aren't any.", Dumbledore regarded her solemnly over his half-moon spectacles. "Not even the three deathly hallows can really bring someone back to life."

"The three deathly hallows?", Hermione asked curiously.

"Ehm, that is to say, well never mind about that.", Dumbledore hastily deflected. "More importantly, will you tell me your potion recipe? For academic purposes we make a habit of recor-"

"No.", Hermione interrupted him.

"Miss Granger, I don't think you understand what this means-"

"I know very well what it means, Professor.", Hermione interrupted again. "If you want the potion recipe, then in three years' time I will be publishing a book with a suitably high cost containing my own invented unique handmade spells and potions.", Hermione grinned.

"You seek to make profit out of this?", Dumbledore looked shocked.

"Not profit, a career! You see I..."

*** Flashback ends ***

Since then Dumbledore hadn't stopped pestering her about the damn potions recipe. '_All right, I'll add him to the plan as well. I'll just spike his bottle of alcoholic cider in his office._', Hermione decided.

Then Hermione made her way to the kitchens. To make sure all the specific men had love potions spiked into their pumpkin juice during breakfast she would be requiring the service of house elves. '_Even better, I can pay them in clothes!_', Hermione thought excitedly.

In the end though all the house elves agreed to do whatever Hermione said as long as she took her clothes out of the Kitchen.

***

"Hermione Granger!", That high pitched voice was so familiar to her ears she would recognize it anywhere. "I have composed for you a poem in the fashion of The Ancient House of Malfoy. As part of the initiation of my courtship proceedings.", Hermione turned to look at him in astonishment. That potion sure was effective! Her eyes were met with the sight of a determined looking Malfoy with a piece of parchment clutched in his hands.

'_Uh, he sure wrote that quickly! I guess he was the first to drink his juice._', Hermione thought to herself.

"You cad! Unhand the fair maiden, the Noble and uh... Old? House of Weasley demands it!" Ron may not have had the Malfoy charm, but he sure had the Weasley guts, standing in the great hall and brandishing a fork at Malfoy's' pointed little face.

"Ron, I thought you were my best mate!", bellowed Harry. "It's against the Bro Code to hit on the chick your friend is aiming for!", he yelled at him and shoved him into Malfoy.

Then Anthony Goldstein walked up. "Humph, Hermione would want a smarter bloke than you folk. Hermione goes for the intelligent serious type! I also have reading glasses.", he added thoughtfully.

'_How did he know I have a thing for glasses?_', Hermione wondered to herself.

"Will books protect Hermione? Do you really think you have a better chance of protecting Hermione with that frail frame than I do?", Cedric also joined the scene and entered the ahem "debating".

Then Dumbledore swept over to the Gryffindor table. "Foolish boys, all women want an older, more experienced man. A distinguished gentleman who knows how to please a woman."

At this Hermione had to stuff her handkerchief into her mouth to keep from giggling madly. '_Did he really just say what I thought he did?!_'

"Hermione! You can't possibly like these guys more than me, right?!", Hermione looked down in shock at the small figure of Colin Creevey.

'_Colin Creevey?!_', she thought, feeling rather stupefied. '_The elves must have gotten my orders confused..._'

Hermione was snapped out of her daze when Blaise Zabini walked up and shoved aside Colin Creevey. Three of his buttons were opened, exposing an admittedly well-formed chest. "I'll do anything you want but pretend I don't care about you.", he advertised. "All girls want bad boys, I know you want this.", he smirked.

Hermione's eyebrows flew right up to her hairline. '_Well! He sure is confident!_', she thought to herself.

"Why, Hermione. You always look beautiful but your flustered face today is especially charming.", Neville stood up and offered her a shallow bow. "It seems you have quite the garden of suitors, I'll have to weed them out and clear a little room for myself, huh?", He chuckled lightly.

Despite herself Hermione blushed. '_I don't remember spiking Neville's drink? Uh...maybe the elves had an accident..." Still, to think this was the same Neville was simply inconceivable! He wasn't stuttering or blushing. He was standing tall for once and... "Has he always been that tall?_', Hermione wondered to herself. In addition to that he had really grown into his features and now he looked like '_A total fucking hunk._', thought Hermione. '_Nah wait, this is Neville, that's just ridiculous. And he's under the potions influence; he doesn't mean any of that anyway!'_

While the other boys were fighting over Hermione (yes, including Dumbledore) Neville calmly and suavely walked away. Several girls started checking out his ass almost subconsciously, not realising it was Neville. Hermione was also checking out his ass, it was frustrating how much guessing had to be done with the loose Hogwarts robes.

'_Well, I guess that was all the guys plus Creevey and Neville somehow._', Hermione thought, eyeing the very violent duel taking place at Gryffindor table for her affections with a feeling of triumph. _'Victor will have to receive my letter afterwards. I guess he'll get here later today, huh?'_

***

The rest of the day was eventful and a lot of fun. In Charms class the boys were more focused on charming her than doing their schoolwork and subsequently lost house points. When they weren't piling on the charm, they were sabotaging each other so that they would look better than the others to Hermione. In the end though, Ron and Harry and the other boys (who weren't even in this class) got absolutely no work done and did not impress Hermione at all. Well, professor Dumbledore had managed to do it, but just him taking place in such a childish competition in the first place ensured he wouldn't be impressing Hermione.

Neville, on the other hand was paying more attention than usual and after two minorly flawed attempts he cast the spell perfectly. And it seemed that he'd gotten a new, more flattering haircut in the time between breakfast and class too. Hermione couldn't take her eyes off him, but she wasn't the only one. Neville's entire demeanor had transformed and suddenly every girl in class was paying him a lot more attention than before.

***

In break Hermione realised that having a lot of guys fighting over her might boost her ego but that sure as heck didn't make it not-boring. They were all too busy brawling with each other to have a conversation with her. So she ended up talking to Neville instead.

"You know Mermish?", Hermione asked in surprise.

"Yeah, I've been taking some optional classes in the holidays and languages is one of them. I also know Gnomish, I'm working on the common tongue favored by animals but the one I'm really having trouble with is Elvish. The problem is that house elves aren't regarded highly so there are practically no records of their language to wizards."

Hermione found herself completely fascinated and impressed.

"So why did you take all these classes?", she asked.

"Because I'm interested in plants I guess. I'm sure there must be some rare and mysterious plants in areas that wizards cannot easily access.", Neville answered easily.

"That's actually a brilliant idea.", Hermione complimented him.

"I do have them occasionally, you know.", Neville teased and she laughed. Neville gave off a completely different image with a little bit of self-confidence.

Then Neville doubled over, wheezing with laughter and the moment was over. "What?", Hermione asked as she turned to look where he was facing. And then froze completely. Dumbledore was hanging in the air by one of his feet, with his robes sliding down and exposing boxer shorts with kitties on them. "Little cats?!", Hermione's exclamation dissolved into choking laughter.

"Harry did it.", Neville wheezed. "Levicopsus or something."

'_Well what do you know? I guess the half-blood prince is good for something after all_.', Hermione thought to herself.

***

The next class they attended was joint Transfiguration with the Slytherins. Malfoy managed to bribe Harry and Ron to get one of the seats next to Hermione and she resigned herself to a lesson of company from the pointy chinned boy. Then Zabini managed to bribe Malfoy and Hermione was suddenly resigning herself to his company instead. Zabini immediately started telling her about pureblood politics as if someone like her should be honoured to know about pureblood courting methods and Hermione had to hold back a sigh of boredom. On the other side Ron, Harry and Malfoy were still fighting.

"May I have this seat?"

Suddenly a voice woke her from her stupor. Hermione looked up in surprise and sort of happiness to see Neville Longbottom standing to the right of her and smiling in a rather dashing manner. '_How does he keep looking like that?_', Hermione wondered to herself.

"**HER-MY-NINNY! WHAT IS THIS TALK IN THE SCHOOL ABOUT EIGHT BOYFRIENDS?!**", Krum flung open the door to the room and bellowed.

All the other students immediately stopped paying attention to the lesson in favour of watching and obtaining some good gossip. Mcgonagall herself was too shocked to stop them. '_I guess he ate my biscuits and then he heard some of the talk going around Hogwarts when he got here_.', Hermione thought, putting the pieces together.

"Victor! It's so good to see you!", Hermione smiled and waved at him.

"It is good to see you too, Hermininny.", Victor answered seriously, taking her hands.

Then he dropped to one knee. "Hermininny! Forget about your eight boyfriends and come and live with me in home country! Hermyninny, will you marry me?", Victor proposed and from his clothes withdrew a ring.

Neville's eyebrows flew up into his hair. Hermione's jaw dropped to the floor and noise erupted inside the classroom. As one, Hermione's remaining suitors rose as one to take him down. The class and Professor Mcgonagall had to leave the class as the most violent brawl yet ensued. With some kind of retarded Hermione sensor the boys in the other houses (and Dumbledore) also appeared and added to the confusion.

Hermione and Neville also left after that, having no wish to be caught by a giant fireball or a jelly-legs jinx. "Blimey. Only in Hogwarts!", Hermione exclaimed. She still couldn't believe Victor had actually proposed! Neville gave her a somewhat suspicious sidelong look but chose not to say anything.

***

At dinner, Hermione was halfway into a tart when she was pulled away by Professor Snape. "Miss Granger. My office. Now.", he barked at her and them slunk off expecting her to follow. Hermione hurried to catch up with him.

Wordlessly Snape held the door open when they reached his office. When Hermione had entered the room, Snape wordlessly gestured to the chair in front of his desk. Hermione's legs had barely touched the chair when the interrogation started.

"So Miss Granger, I like many others have noticed your apparent recent popularity.", Snape sneered at her.

"I could accept Potter and the Weasley sure. Victor too and Goldstein okay. Creevey is a bit far-fetched but I could conceivably let it go. But my godson? Really?", Snape shot her a withering look before continuing. "And then Zabini... I assume even you would know of his pureblood preference. And Diggory also, an older student who you helped revive. Now that isn't suspicious at all.", he added sarcastically. "But then Dumbledore? You wouldn't be aware of this Miss Granger but Dumbledore despite other absurdities with his recent behaviour also just happens to bat for the other team!"

Hermione hadn't known that. Damn, that just made the whole thing even more hilarious but she absolutely could not, must not laugh in front of Professor Snape.

"So my question is", Snape continued, his dark eyes boring into her, "What exactly did you do, Miss Granger?"

"I spiked their food with a potent love potion.", Hermione fessed up immediately. Snape would find out eventually anyway and lying to him wasn't a good idea. This prank had already satisfied her and bolstered her confidence and that was enough.

"Miss Granger, do you expect me to believe that you really have a thing for all those boys, Dumbledore and the Creevey?! Dumbledore's bad enough but why would you even like that kid?!", Snape looked utterly disgusted.

"No, of course I don't like them. I don't like any of them. Creevey and Neville weren't something I did anyway, there must have been some kind of mix-up in the kitchens.", Hermione explained.

"My type is the older, intelligent, more charming gentleman kind of type!", Hermione finished, looking into his eyes earnestly.

"Oh god, here it comes.", thought Snape in faint horror. "Every year there's always one delusional female student who thinks that having a crush on the Potions master is so cute, so quaint, and so romantic. Every year! ...and they're always such creepy girls too. Aren't I supposed to be a bad-looking greasy haired, hook nosed, scary and hated teacher? To think even Granger out of everyone!", Snape anticipated her next words with a feeling of dread.

"Like Mr. Ollivander!", Hermione finished.

"I underestimated her. That's even more disturbing.", Snape thought.

"The wand maker?", Snape asked, hoping she knew some other Mr. Ollivander.

"Yep", Hermione confirmed.

"But he's so old! He's older than me! He's older even than Dumbledore! Dumbledore bought his wand from him when he was a boy!", Snape yelled, aghast.

"Right... Why is that a problem?", Hermione asked. "Anyway the reason I spiked their food with love potions was to boost my ego. It was really amusing to see them all fight over me.", Hermione grinned.

Snape felt like someone had hit him with ten confundus charms. Hermione was honestly the most deranged, disturbing, twisted witch he had ever met. And he knew Bellatrix Lestrange!

"Did you revive Cedric Diggory just to make him fall in love with you?", he asked, dreading the answer.

"Yes. And before you ask I spiked Dumbledore food as revenge. He wouldn't stop asking me about how to make the potion.", Hermione pouted.

"Right.", Snape answered dazedly, massaging his temples. With a sudden flick of his wand he summoned a cage around Hermione and confiscated her wand.

Hermione looked around in shock.

"Miss Granger, you are dangerously and disturbingly insane. I'm going to lock you up in here until you've finished puberty and stop making such questionable, hormone-influenced decisions.", Snape decided.

"Hey, I am not hormone-influenced!", Hermione objected.

Snape raised his eyebrow.

"Well, maybe a little bit.", she admitted sheepishly.

***

Three days later.

"Miss Granger, I have cured every one of their dangerous insidious disease. They were all appropriately horrified upon being cured. Even the Weasley brat, though he already has some kind of pathetic interest in you. Dumbledore thought it was hilarious... for some reason...", Snape sighed and rubbed his temples, "and he wants me to get the potions recipe off you. Which I will not do since he seems slightly unstable. Oh and Mr. Krum also did not seem to mind and claimed that the proposal still stands but the others seem to be trying questionable methods to forget the incident entirely. I hope you're happy.", Snape finished sarcastically.

"Yeah, this is great!", beamed Hermione.

Snape shook his head sadly. "Also that Longbottom boy did not receive any spiked food. Apparently he saw what was happening as an opportunity and jumped on board. He claims he's had an interest in you since he first met you but was too shy to say anything. ", here Snape broke off into a personal complaint, "Your little stunt has changed him forever! He's making his potions properly now and he's not scared of me at all. Potions isn't fun anymore!", Snape complained.

"He just needed a little confidence.", whispered Hermione. Her head was reeling from the recent revelations.

"And he told me to pass this on. He says once you're out of your cage he would like to take you out to lunch.", Snape rolled his eyes.

"I'll go.", Hermione answered Immediately. "Tell him I'll go."

"I thought you liked Olivander?", Snape asked sardonically.

"So did I.", Hermione replied with a blush on her face.

"Disgusting. This is why I hate teenagers and their stupid moronic relationships with each other.", Snape sighed to himself. The knowledge that he would have to put up with Granger in his office till they found a good place for her cage also irritated him to no end. '_I'll get her some deportment lessons and get a Slytherin girl to give her some tips on taking care of herself so I don't have to look at "that" everyday_', Snape thought in disgust.

Meanwhile, Hermione was deep in thought trying to picture what Neville might look like under his robes.

**Author's note thingy :**

**Yo. Thanks for reading ^_^**

**This is my first "published" fanfiction ever but I am working on others. Since it's my first I would really appreciate reviews/critique. Some parts of grammar continue to elude me. So yeah, please review and help me help you by writing better stories! (Assuming you want them, that is)**

**Someone thinks I should write a sequel about when Hermione gets out of her cage -_-**

**If this is something you would like to see, please let me know and I'll consider it.**

**Ciao Baby! *Flashes cheesy nice guy grin***


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